Sunday, 10 July 2011

Sold My Soul to Manilla Road!

Sometimes I just really hate metalheads. But I too am a metalhead! How could I hate my brothers? But really, does anybody truly love their retarded siblings, or is it just and endearing form of tolerance, ready to crack at any moment?

What I’m really talking about here are the kind of mindless twats who only “listen” to extreme metal, and for fucking painful reasons. I’ve been encountering these people more and more both in real life and on the cesspool of human atrocities that is the internet. Now, I likes me my extreme metal, but some people make me ashamed to be in any way associated with it.

The thing that immediately makes me rage about these people is the shunning of traditional or other “lighter” forms of metal. If you simply don’t like it I get excuses like “It’s not heavy enough” or “It’s gay!” or “It’s not even METAL!!!!!1”(fucking brilliant, huh?) Sorry kids, but extreme metal branched off from a genre of music called heavy metal. “Heavy” is not the determining word there, “metal” is. Suffocation is certainly “heavier” than say, Judas Priest. However, just because metal keeps getting more extreme, doesn’t mean that less extreme bands cease to be metal. It’s less heavy, yes. But not less metal, by any means. Now, people could argue forever about what makes something “heavy”, but that is a meaningless argument in this context since heavy does not equal metal and more importantly nor does it equal quality music.

Anyone who denies that this is not only metal, but quality music, is a piece of shit. No exceptions:

When someone expresses the aforementioned retarded opinions, they also tend to look like this: Fat. Really fat. Bald or balding. Shitty stubble beard. Wiley drunken unfocused eyes, no sign of intelligent life behind these empty sockets of lost humanity. I feel no kinship with these people.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that these people probably don’t actually “listen” to music, they just “hear” it. (I’m sure Curt or I or both of us will go on a lengthy rant about this sometime in the future) They hear something that sounds “heavy” or “brutal” or “extreme” to them on a completely superficial level without really experiencing it in a visceral way, or truly experiencing it at all really. It’s just there so they can be that extreme metalhead guy. I don’t care how many Goregrind EPs you ordered off a shitty distro unless the music contained on them actually happens to be good, and you wouldn’t know if it was anyway.

There are also people who claim that extreme metal is like the “purified” essence of metal, distilled of all rock and blues influence. At least they’re trying to make a valid argument, but… No. You’re wrong. The influences of early heavy metal made it what it is. There is no removing the “metal” and putting it on its own, when it is an amalgamation formed into a new entity. It can only be stretched, beaten, defiled and added to. Your favourite extreme metal band does not contain more metal than Black Sabbath, it’s only a different form of it. If metal gets fucked up enough to be considered a new form of music, its sound far enough removed from traditional metal, then fair enough. But I don’t think we’re there yet, nor will we be very soon. It also wouldn’t be metal anymore, so fuck you.

This is the “essence” of metal:

So is this:


One is more extreme than the other, but they’re both metal and both worth listening to. However, this is better than both:


And just as bad as the elitist I-listen-to-every-underground-extreme-metal-release-ever are the ones who don’t even listen to good extreme metal. Don’t ask me if I’ve heard of this new kick ass band Children of Bodom you just heard last week, because you’re an idiot and I hate you. Don’t tell me I should listen to Behemoth and Dimmu Borgir because Iron Maiden is too “light” and “gay”. The bands you like aren’t extreme on any level other than a completely transparent fa├žade. They are metal, I’m sad to admit, and you may think they’re “heavy” but they suck. I don’t hate these bands for being mainstream or “untrue,” (I like all sorts of metal that some would consider “gay mainstream bullshit”) I just happen to really dislike them and consider them to be extremely poor excuses for extreme metal. Don’t be the guy who tells me to listen to the new Pestilence album either. I love Pestilence, but fuck you.
There also seems to be an unrelenting cascade of new shitty death and black metal bands popping up all the time. Along with these shitty bands are some really good ones, but it seems, as with just about everything in life, the shit outweighs the good. It seems that metal is becoming overpopulated with extreme metal. I’m not one for ethnic cleansing per se, but just being extreme doesn’t cut it. You need to write some good material too. And if you feel the need to be 100% unoriginal, could you rip off this:

instead of this :



Posted by Tex

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